I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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