he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
