My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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