I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
