My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
