If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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