upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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