I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
