You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
