Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
