just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
