Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
