im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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