I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
