I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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