Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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