Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
