I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
