I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
