i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
