Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
