Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
