The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
