Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
