I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
