You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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