New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
