I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
