I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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