I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
