After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
