I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
