Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
