Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
