I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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