Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Your dad touched me again.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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