I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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