I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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