I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
