I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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