Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
