Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
