I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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