So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
