Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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