will power is for people who don't want to get laid
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
