Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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