so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
