Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You are the jesus of drinking
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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