Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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