Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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