My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So much rum. So many feels.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
