My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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