Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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