I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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