Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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