I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
