You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
