You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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