Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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