I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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