1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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