the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
