it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
