Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
