im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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