I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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