I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
