You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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