my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
